Friday, April 17, 2015

The Secret to the Universe

27 Weeks

I turned 42 this week and for a brief moment I wondered why I hadn't heard from my mother. She used to call and leave a sweet voice message in a sing-song voice. When I'd call her back she would answer by singing a silly birthday song our family sings to each other on their name day. It isn't lost on me that my acknowledging my birth is a celebration of her accomplishments—including, and especially Ren. I can't help but reflect that when she was 42, she was the mother of a sixteen year old hormone and a boy who was five-going-on-famous. Times weren't easy then. The kind where things aren't for the better and you can never go back. But before all of that... for many many formative years... my mother made incredible sacrifices and selflessly gave me her heart and soul so I could grow up with something solid to stand on. So I would know in my gut I was loved and could do anything to which I put my mind and heart. My parents gave me the earth below my body. Nothing will ever compare to that kind of foundation I was handed in my beginnings. I vow to pay that forward to Ren and no matter where life takes us, my only wish is that he will always know he is worthy of love and pleasure and happiness—that he will find ways to ensure that for himself—because somewhere deep inside he felt the ground beneath his feet. Thank you, Mom. Happy BIRTHday to me... and Ren.

Eye of the Storm

26 Weeks

Although it's difficult to tell at times, Greg and I are doing everything we can to make sure Ren has simplicity in his life. We keep him on an eat, sleep, play schedule a celebrity would envy. We follow Ren's cues as he grows and do everything we can to keep these three things consistent to his needs. We put him down when he rubs his eyes, give him food when he wakes, and let him explore what is within our power to help him stay curious. We keep him from TVs and monitors, feed him only breast milk, veggies, or fruit, bathe him every other day, ritualized his mornings, bedtimes, car rides. We try to give him quiet after the noise of music or talking. We want him to have  S  P  A  C  E  to grow in his body and his mind. Fill in the gaps on his own time, and naturally, in a calm environment, as close to nature as we (the former city-dwellers) are capable...

These things do not come to us easily. Mommy is still a drama club teenager in many ways and Daddy still reads comic books (when he can). But we are trying our best to maintain our best. And. We. Are. Tired.

And we are boring.

And we are annoying. And one-layered. And behind. And out of practice. And lonely. And clueless. And romantically deprived.

But sometimes, Ren tells us he appreciates our efforts. It makes the tough stuff seem like pennies for a mansion.

This week,
one quiet, dark, earthly early morning
I was dozing as I fed him.
We rocked back and forth.
Back and forth.
In the distance, a bird called out.
Called out. Called out.
Ren and I both opened our eyes.
He stopped sucking and smiled. I smiled back.
The bird called out. Called out. Called out.
Ren looked toward the window.
I carried him to peek at the outside.
The bird called out. Called out. Called out.
Ren and I spotted him on a distant branch.
The bird called out again. Called out. Called out.
Ren looks up at me, blankly waiting...
And so I whistle the bird's tune.
And he chuckles. Heartily. I laugh back and we hug each other.
The rest of the morning felt more special in the sameness.

I forget that Ren is only six months old. He appears to possess such ancient wisdom that cuts through our chaos... and Christmas pajamas in April.

Friday, April 10, 2015


25 Weeks

When we first discovered we were pregnant I was shocked at the feverish excitement, love, and open arms with which we were down right attacked. "You're one of us now! You're one of us!! You'll see! Now you'll see!!" The 'misery loves company' adage isn't always about the miserable—it's the struggle, the art, and the value of it all. Not to mention these little ones really, truly, honestly grow before your eyes. One day you're helping hold up his head, the next he's lifting yours. So, part of you wants to go back to the beginning of all of the wonder again, even if it's vicarious. (Sometimes, especially...)

I recently found out within one week that three, really, three people I care about very much are in the early stages of pregnancy. So early, I was honored to be in the pre-group of folks with whom you share this kind of news. Perhaps they all knew just how genuinely, intensely thrilled I would be for them since we just started the journey ourselves. I was surprised with the tears that popped out of my face with every confession. As we were told, this can be the greatest love of all. It's down right addictive. And knowing this kind of drug is out there makes you wonder if love really will save the day—the meek really will inherit this place.

Maybe it isn't just about having new cult members. Maybe it is the pure fiery, excitement of knowing that good people are continuing to populate the earth. This planet will have a chance if those fantastic folks are multiplying. There is hope. Always hope in the hands of the new. We just have to be careful we don't turn that hope into selfish, self fulfilling expectations. Soon enough the new will have their turn and we will need to let them have it. This means we've got let them discover the goods now. Teach them the tools of the games. The not-so-secrets. The good and bad stuff. Prepare them as best we can. Train them for every scenario, event, season... and then watch them sit helplessly overheated on the couch while they wait for us to get ourselves together just to go for a simple walk...

Thursday, April 9, 2015


24 Weeks

A father (or dad) is a male parent of a child. A biological or natural father is the man whose sperm has been used in the creation of a child, through sexual intercourse or sperm donation. Such a man may or may not be married to the child's mother. - Wikipedia


Ren's father is a man who gets up in the middle of most nights to rock his son back to sleep.

Ren's father decided to give up cable television to save money, which means, Ren's father gave up a life long passion for watching baseball. Ren's father recently went on line and within one minute Ren's father spent over one hundred dollars on baby toys. Ren's father has done that a few times.

Ren's father made a chart and every day he tracked his son's every nap and feeding from the time Ren was born. Ren's father has finally stopped doing that.

Ren's father walks into the room and Ren squeals and his eyes smile wide with excitement.

Ren's father tries to hide his tears whenever he is overwhelmed with his love for his son but Ren's mother sees them and understands.

Ren's father spends his every day playing, feeding, changing, teaching, and raising his son. When Ren's father isn't doing that, he's sleeping or traveling for work.

iMessage to Greg Skura Sun, Mar 22, 2:44 PM
iMessage to Jennifer Sun, Mar 22, 2:45 PM