It's 4:17am and I wake with a start, gasping like I've been holding my breath. I close my eyes. I open my eyes. I close them again. They open. I sit up. Yep. Gotta pee.
"I worry about you on those stairs."
"Are you sure you should be that close to the window?"
"You're not going to eat that are you?"
"WHAT are you doing? Put that down. Let me carry that!"
There are a lot of things I'm not allowed to do anymore. And not because I'm pregnant but because I'm WITH CHILDDDDDddddd. (ECHOOOooo... echooo... echooo...) Greg and I have noticed a distinct difference between what each of us experience while this fetus grows. Me, I'm precious and helpless. Him, he's invisible and a superhero. These are strong stereotypes but they do smack us in the face pretty consistently. Sometimes we do the smacking to each other, unfortunately.
I've always had vivid dreams and they say they are heightened when you're pregnant. They even say your partner has them too. He does. Anxiety dreams. I have at least two a night. I've lost our new baby at party in a monstrously filthy house. I followed Greg through a twisted amusement park and watched him kiss another woman. I took my parents to a restaurant where they were food poisoned. "How could you do this to us?!?!" I gave birth to a monkey-cartoon-robot-thing with tiny, marcasite eyes and razors for teeth. I found myself on a successful ex-boyfriend's film set—forgot to wear pants. When do I dream about flying through the stars with Mother Nature and feeding the homeless from my Manhattan sized breasts?
Preparing for a child is a monumental accomplishment in today's day and age. At least it feels that way. The stuff, the advice, the books, doctors, research, questions, questions, looking for answers to all of those questions... Why? I'm not a jerk, I know why, but really—why is this so HUGE? Why is this so wonderful and so terrifying at the same time? What are we doing to ourselves that makes the very things that are so normal about our existence so scary? Life and death. We all get to do it. What's the big deal?
It's that intangible magic called love, I suppose.
All you need is love. Birth and dying are loaded with it, huh? And heartbreak is the very thing we fear the most, I think, even though it is probably the most universal pain humans have experienced and survived. Love always comes back and so does hope and then... you close your eyes and dream about your fear of losing it until you wake with complete relief to relieve your completely full bladder. Again.